Infant Infantry

Always nice to see a historian who isn’t afraid, as they say, to transgress the boundaries of acceptable discourse. One such is Daniel Grey.

You see, in 1863 Abe Lincoln began to run short of men and drafted babies.

“A fierce patriot, Lincoln felt that all Americans should do their part in the war,” said Civil War historian Daniel Grey. “That’s why the new infantry consisted of drafted infants.”

While the babies in this new infantry weren’t required to fight, they did serve other functions. They were first used in military observation balloons.

“Hot air balloons were used for reconnaissance,” said Grey. “The babies were employed as ballast.

Although the babies were strapped to the outside of the gondolas, surveyors had to keep their ears plugged to block out all the crying. The babies were quite helpful in keeping the balloons from flying away.”

Their drool also kept sabers from rusting.

It must be true, because it’s on the web and in the Weekly World News.

Next—was Judson Kilpatrick an alien? Inquiring minds want to know.